The Secret Journal of Lucius Malfoy
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orginally posted at Bri's LJ
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Day One
I’m too sexy for my cane. Too sexy for my cane.
Day Two
A bit worried about Draco again. His hair bothers me. I said as much and he got all snarky. Said I shouldn’t talk since I look like a bad Mirkwood Elf knock off. Grounded his arse and took away all this hair gel. That should show the little twit.
Day Three
Still too sexy for my cane. So sexy it hurts.
Day Four
House elf has gone missing. Was forced to conjure own pancakes. Syrup has gone missing. I suspect Dobby has gone on another one of his sugar binge. Will maim elf. No one denies Lucius Malfoy the mapley goodness.
Day Five
Again with the weird hair on Draco. Don’t understand it as have confiscated all his hair products. He claimed it was maple syrup he got into his hair. Right. And I’m Darth Haldir. Will be so relieved when school starts up again. Not only will all hair products be safe, but can begin ridiculously complex plot to indirectly commit mass murder.
Day Six
Still way too sexy for my cane.
Day Eight
Took Draco to get his things for classes. Ran into that damned ridiculous Arthur Weasley. Honestly, who is he kidding with that hat. Ridiculous hat. Just comes stomping up to me, thinking he’s all that and the bag of chips. He doesn’t have a pimp cane though. Is jealous of the pimp cane. Wanted to throw down with him, but didn’t want to smudge cane. Instead, began overly complex plan to commit indirect mass murder.
Day Nine
Am still too sexy for my cane.
Day Ten
Apparently, stupid as son of Potter and son of Mr. Hat decided to play Grand Theft Auto London and crashed into Whomping Willow. Got whomped good, too, the car did. Again, don’t understand stupid Weasley. If I was going to enchant a Muggle traveling machine, would so not charm a Ford. Tacky as all hell.
Day Eleven
Apparently the greatest foppiest foppy fop who ever fopped the fop is now the new DADA professor. Will make note to rub it in Snape’s face next time I see him. Uppity git.
Day Twelve
Have gotten word a cat has been petrified. Good. Hate cats. They mess up my hair and scratch up the precious cane. Also gotten word from Snape about Taco Night. Smarmy bastard keeps going on about how it’s only teachers who get to go. Hmmph. Will spread misery.
Day Thirteen
Need to have talk with son. If you are going to use explosive slurs, don’t do it in front of a crowd. Is not Def Wizard Jam. Would not be surprised if he is bitch slapped. In about a year.
Day Fourteen
Went to see son play Quidditch today. Was forced to sit next to stupid ass Snape who continued to talk about Taco Night. Think perhaps he has a Mexican cuisine fixation. All the same, am tired of him rubbing it all in my face. Am so going to show him. Was not amused to see son tumble off broom. I do not want to think why he couldn’t hold onto broom. There is something about Draco and it worries me. In other news, wore hat. Way better than ridiculous Weasley’s ridiculous hat.
Day Fifteen
More Muggles petrified. Ridiculously complex plan to indirectly commit murder getting ridiculous. In other news, am still too sexy for my cane.
Day Sixteen
Think perhaps Dumbledore has better hat than me.
Day Seventeen.
Dammit, he does. Will spread misery. Oh yes, will spread it GOOD.
Day Eighteen
Have spread misery good. Had Dumbledore suspended, Hagrid sent to excessively creepy prison, and had Taco Night canceled. Have not been this amused since the Dark Lord decided to overdo it with the vodka and was convinced he was Marilyn Monroe.
Day Nineteen
Ridiculous plan spoiled. Former diary of the Arch Fecking Enemy of the Goody Goodies has been destroyed by the prince of the goody goodies. Did not think anyone would notice as vacant expressions so typical of Weasleys. Would not be so upset if did not accidentally free elf by smuggled sock and was then directly knocked on ass by elf. Hair got messed up, cane smudged. Will most definitely spread misery.
Day Twenty.
Despite loss, am still too sexy for my cane. Oh yes, am way too diabolically sexy for my cane. Oh yes.
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