The Secret Journal of Harry Potter
_____
orginally posted at Bri's LJ
_____
Day One
Had a journal. When checked mail, found no comments. No nothing. No emails. No owl mail. No nothing. Wonder if it's because I kept singing Ron and Hermoine, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G and so on and so forth when riding train back. Think maybe I should not have done that.
Day Two
Summer sucks. Dursleys continuing to do best to suck my will to live. Are denying me permission to let out Hedwig to send out letters. To make it all worse, they are denying me tacos. Am quite miserable. Want taco.
Day Three
Weird day. Found out house-elf responsible for missing journal and mail. Claimed it was all to make me not want to go back to Hogwarts. As if I would miss this year's Taco Night! Refused to agree to stay home. Stupid house-elf dropped cake on lady guest person. Would have been funny if it had not resulted in excessive over-imprisonment upstairs.
Day Four
Came to Burrow today. Fred, George, and Ron decided on a rescue in the cover of night, surrounded by streetlights, in the loudest car in country in mid air. I'm sure it all went completely unnoticed.
Day Five
The Burrow rocks the rocking overcrowded rock. Was put on the spot when Mr. Weasley wanted to know the precise fuction of a rubber duck as am not entirely sure myself. Until recently, thought fuction was to act as a bean-your-cousin-with-it-then-flee-device.
Day Six
Floo powder sucks. Will bloody walk to Diagon Alley next time. Ended up in excessively creepy part of town. Got felt up by Thing's Evil Twin. Was not amused. Was also not amused to get felt up by strange, anonymous witch. Later, a great fop grabbed me for a photo op. At least got free books for about five minutes until Mrs. Weasley snatched them for autographs while primping in hopes of getting grabbed herself. Did not feel like pointing out obvious. Oh yes, was also felt by Dumb Blond Senior and his great pimp stick. Why does everyone want to feel me?
Day Eight
Missed train! Knew should not have wasted time at taco bar. Stole car. Was disheartened to have repeated Star Trek references to cloaking go over Ron's head during flight drive thing.
Day Nine
Next time, I'm driving. First, we nearly get run over by train in the car. Then I almost fall out and Ron could barely pull me back in. Am not entirely sure why his hands were so hard to grab. Do not wish to inquire further. Finally, he crashed us right into the most pissed off Chia Pet ever. Pocketed tacos crushes. Sad now. In other news, Ron broke his wand. Excessive overwaxing perhaps?
Day Ten
This year is not going well. First wacky car ride then Snape. Took out all his pent up rage at the hiring of a magnificent fop for the DADA job over him on us. Did it ever occur to him lack of job transfer related to lack of people skills? Thankfully, McGonagall didn't let us get expelled, though I kind of wish she did. For dentention I have to help sort out Lockhart's Avon order. Unlike Quirrell, this git moisturizes to the point of excess. Can't get a handle on his hands. Perhaps that's why Ron's hand was so slippery? Still, will not ask.
Day Twelve
Gilderoy Lockhart is an amazingly, annoying, great foppy foppish fop. If there was a biggest foppy fop contest, I would nominate him and he would win. Good thing there isn't cause you know he would write a book on it and make it required reading: Fabulous Foppy Foppity Fop Me. Where is that underwear shrinking spell? On second though, better not. Stupid git would probably enjoy it.
Day Fourteen
Malfoy sucks the I-suck-so-bad-I'm-gonna-get-my-dad-to-buy-me-into-the-Quidditch-team-so-I-have-more-places-to-suck-the-suck suck. Thought he'd be all cool and start with the name calling. Of course Ron got all up with defending his woman's honor. Would have worked if his wand wasn't all up with the broken backfiring.
Day Fifteen
Am hearing voices. Perhaps should not have swiped one of Draco's tacos. Also, would appear excessively spooky villian has appeared. Hope is not Voldemort again. Am still getting vodka and undermoisturized dust out of robes from last time. On the plus side, cat froze. Will make great oversized paperweight!
Day Sixteen
Quidditch game sucked. Was nearly killed by crazy bludger. Would like to know where the hell Fred ang George were while all this was going on. Probably beating their own bludgers. On the upside, was amused to see Draco fall on arse. Not suprised in the least he lost grip with all the hair gel he probably didn't get off his head. There's still something about Draco and am not touching it with a twenty foot pole. On the downside, broke arm. Super Fop tried to fix it, but ended up making bones disappear. Shoulda slapped the fop with the flappy hand. Grrr. Shoulda slapped Dobby too. Whole world out to get adorable me.
Day Seventeen
Hermoine is brewing up a potion to make us look like Malfoy's lackeys to find out if he's behind the fortunately not fatal freezings. Am afraid of this mission. Worry I'll see the hair gel. Hair gel frightens me. We're making it in the second floor's girl bathroom. Ghost girl excessively annoying. Keeps peeping at me. Why does everyone DO that. Colin keeps trying to get me at the worst moments. Why I first wake up, Quidditch, the sho-it's inconvient.
Day Eighteen
Duelling club. Can not imagine anything worse that Lockhart's exaggerating swishing and flicking. Especially the swishing. Wore cape just so he could swish it. More most gratified when Snape knocked him on ass. Will get him a tequila when am legal. Dueled with Malfoy. Knocked me across room, then I knocked him on HIS ass. Ha! On the downside, apparently am a suspicious character because can talk to snakes. But I always talk to my snake. Doesn't everyone?
Day Nineteen
Malfoy not Heir of Slytherin. Didn't think he was from the start. Far too one dimensional and surrounded by too many fricken idiots. Feel dumber for having looked like stupid Goyle. Or was it Grabbe. Will need to shower. Repeatedly. Am slightly relieved will not have to worry about random photographer boy in a guilty sort of way.
Day Twenty
Would someone please tell me how some lurid pink robes ended up on the floor? It looks like they were cut.
Day 21
Found diary in bathroom. Turns out, it is a possessed diary of some kind. Considering possessed objects have such good track records, I decided to talk to it. Kept telling me to to bugger off so it can go talk to the snake. Then showed me long flashback sequence that shed bad light on Hagrid. I so hope this is not one of those red herring deals. The last one wasn't fun.
Day 22
Today was the ultimate in super suck. Quidditch canceled. Room trashed. Hermoine frozen. Hagrid taken away to excessively creepy prison. In a flash of stupid bravery, decided to take Ron on wild spider chase. Then, was almost eaten by spiders. Fortunately, car rescued us in drawn out calvary type ride out. Will maim Hagrid later. Follow the spiders. Sheesh.
Day 23
Another student attack. Ginny gone missing. Then, the ulimate in terrible things happened. More horrible than anything imaginable. Taco Night. Taco Night has been cancelled. That's it. Have had it. Will lay the smackdown.
Day 24
Found Chamber of Secrets. Highly overrated. Full of giant faucet things. Dropped wand in middle of floor. I should be slapped. Instead, had the memory of 16 year old Lord Suckemort, Tom 'I Think I'm Such A Bad Ass' Riddle sic a super scary snake on me. He has such a big snake. No wonder he has to talk to it all the time. Fortunately, had Dumbledore's super flamey bird tag team it with me. Killed snake. Stabbed journal. Saved Ginny. Laid smackdown. Nobody, and I mean nobody, rocks the heroic I'm too cool for my overly dirty robes rocky like like I rock the rock.
Oh yeah, Lockhart total foppy fraud. Tried to curse us, spell backfired, now a forgetful foppy fraud. And to think I thought Ron's broken wand was a cheap plot device for humor.
Day 25
This was all Malfoy's stupid dad's fault. Think perhaps he was disgruntled cause Arthur Weasley closed down hair salon during a raid and can no longer get eyebrows dyed to match his hair. Like anyone believed Lucius was a real blond anyhow. Tricked him into freeing Dobby. Then he got all huffy and tried to get me with concealed wand in pimp stick. Then Dobby laid smackdown. Dobby rocks. Will get Dobby a taco.
Day 27
Hermoine unpetrified. Hagrid back. Exams canceled. Taco Night extended to students. All is right with world. Rock
______
| Back to CoS Journals |
| Home |