The Secret Journal of Ron Weasley
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orginally posted at Bri's LJ
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Day One
Summer is awesome. It's been two months and I haven't slipped on hair gel on the floor once! Someone needs to follow Draco with a mop while school is in session. His hair alone is a menace to the student body.
Day Two
Am a bit concerned my mail isn't getting to Harry or that maybe he is on some sort of illegal substance. I sent him some tacos and got back the strangest letter from someone referring to them self in multiple tenses with worse grammar problems than me.
Day Three
Can't take it anymore. Am going to bust out Harry. Well, actually, Fred and George just learned how to hotwire enchanted cars and we need somewhere to go. Perhaps with buzz Hermione's house on the way. Just because. I said just because. Stop bloody looking at me like that. It's not like that!
Day Four
Bust Harry out of an excessive overprisonment situation. Wonder if anyone in Little Whinging ever heard of child welfare services. Don't know much about Muggles, but locking someone up to prevent them from getting fine Mexican cuisine has to be illegal.
Day Five
Mom totally went off on us for the other night. Think perhaps she doesn't like tacos.
Day Six
Today was a day for Big Fopping. First, we had to track down Harry who ended up in the wrong part of town for some reason. He won't admit it, but I think perhaps he was getting some jalapeno peppers. Bookstore was a trip. There was the biggest foppiest fop who ever fopped the foppity foppy fop just fopping his thing for the camera. Was nauseous. Then had to deal with the Great Pimp of Pimponia and Pimp Wannabe getting all snarky and snooty. Dad so should have laid the smackdown.
Day Seven
Missed train all cause Harry just had to have a taco fix. Wonder if perhaps we need a taco intervention of some kind for him. Is getting ridiculous.
Day Eight
Today not much better. Got bitchslapped in car by the angriest Chia Pet ever. Broke wand and left self open to all sort of snarky innuendos from Harry. Hate Harry.
Day Nine
Detention sucks it. For punishment for that whole grand theft auto into tree thing, have been forced to sort through Lockhart's Avon order. Really, how much eyeliner does one man need? I mean honestly?
Day Ten
Horrible, horrible day. First, accidentally slipped on shrunk pair of underwear from last year. Then had curse meant for Draco "I-suck-so-bad-I'm-gonna-get-my-dad-to-buy-me-into-the-Quidditch-team-so-I-have-more-places-to-suck-the-suck" Malfoy backfire on me. Not only did I spend the whole afternoon spitting up slugs, but also had horrible songs sung by reality show contestants running through my head.
Day Eleven
Harry is apparently hearing voices. Told him not to overdose on the bloody peppers. Am now seriously considering that intervention. Would ask Ginny to help out, but she is occupied with the whole cackling and rubbing hands together in a fiendish fashion lately. Don't want to be a bother.
Day Twelve
Quidditch game was awesome. Not only did I get to see Draco fall on his arse, but got to see everyone running to him slip and fall on the oil slick in his wake. Ha! Also saw Darth Haldir sulking in the stands. Think it's because Dumbledore has a better hat than him. Oh yeah, it other news, the Great Fop turned Harry's arm into a wet noodle. Was quite a bit of fun to slap him around with his own hand.
Day Thirteen
Hermione had rather brilliant idea to make us look like Draco's lackeys to get insider into on that whole petrifying the Muggle-borns that's been the craze lately. Will have to get shoes with better traction. Worry will slide into walls from the hair gel slick.
Day Fourteen
Am now very concerned about Harry. Taco overdosing has gotten out of hand. At the Dueling Club, he got to the point where he started speaking in tongue.
Day Fifteen
Harry acting more and more erratic lately. Now claims to have found diary in bathroom that talks to him and asks for him to pour vodka into the pages. I wonder if this has anything to do with the lurid pink robes I found that were cut. Hermione not terribly supportive. She keeps eyeing Ginny while she's doing that thing of hers in the common room. I am surrounded by idiots and crazy people.
Day Sixteen
Hermione petrified! No! The one person who actually makes a lick of sense has been taken out of the picture. I just know Harry will drag me after the first red herring he spots now. I just know it.
Day Seventeen
Yep, I was right. First we went over to Hagrid's an had to hide when the Elf Pimp of Mirkwood came waltzing in to kick out Dumbledore. I bet it's just hat envy. You think someone with the bling bling that man has would be able to find better hats. I mean, my dad has... Oh that came out all wrong! Anyhow, Harry dragged me into the woods to get chased down by spiders. Have taken to walking backwards with a can of Raid. Could care less how foolish I look.
Day Eighteen
Ginny gone missing. Of course the only reason Harry wants to find her is cause Taco Night got canceled. Tortilla crazed fiend needs to sort out his priorities. Stupid Lockhart tried to erase our memories after we caught him trying to hide contraband Mac products and had it backfire on him. Now Harry's gone and left me trapped with an amnesiac wannabe makeup consultant. Need vodka.
Day Nineteen
All is well. Ginny rescued from diary possessed by 16 year old vodka addict and future wannabe dark lord. Harry got his tacos, Hagrid freed, girlfriend Hermione unfrozen, school is Fop free, Wannabe Mack Daddy knocked flat on arse by house elf. Life is good.
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