The Secret Journal of Severus Snape
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orginally posted at Bri's LJ
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Day One
Summer sucked it as usual. Went to Tijuana. While the tequila was excellent, have managed to fry delicate, porcelain skin to a fire engine red in very bad places. Am most uncomfortable and irritated.
Day Two
Upon my return home, was further irritated by poncy git Lucius and his overly tacky pimp stick. He felt the need to point out how he never gets sunburned. Then I felt the need to point out how his hair color doesn’t match his eyebrows. Real blond, my sunburned ass. It escalated from there. Found self dangling from Daily Prophet sign by my underwear. Am also peeling now. Will spread misery.
Day Three
I swear, this whole place is just going to hell. First they hire a guy who’s back of the head was possessed by the Arch Fecking Enemy of the Goody Goodies. I applied to replace him, but no. Who do they hire? The greatest foppiest foppy fop who ever fopped the fop. I wonder about Dumbledore sometimes. Methinks he’s got his pointy hat on just a little too tight. I wonder if I’m surrounded completely by idiots.
Day Four
Prima donna Potter and his little red headed sidekick just had to make a big scene about coming in. A smart person would have gotten someone to get them there, but no, they decided to play Grand Theft Auto London. Was reading want ads when Filch interrupted me. Yeah, the want ads. If useless gits instead of foxy masters are going to be hired for important positions, I’ll take my genius elsewhere. Was already to boot the brats, my McGonagall managed to waltz in and walk all over my authority. Noticed the Weasley broke his wand. Methinks perhaps he over waxed it.
Day Five
Yes. I’ve realized it. I am indeed completely surrounded by idiots. On a side note, have noticed how McGonagall keeps hitting on Lockhart. Will not comment.
Day Seven
Yesterday’s theory was proven. Gave Flint permission to use the grounds to offset McGonagall’s little team of overachievers, but Draco “I-suck-so-bad-I'm-gonna-get-my-dad-to-buy-me-into-the-Quidditch-team-so-I-have-more-places-to-suck-the-suck suck†had to overdue it. Have taught him nothing. If you are going to make a grievous insult, don’t do it in front of room full of people. Hope Granger bitch-slaps him good. Within a year.
Day Fourteen
Someone went and petrified Filch’s cat. Was quick to put blame on Potter to maintain reputation as great jerk-person. Am glad cat is petrified. Stupid-walking-taxidermy-project kept scratching up my Jimmy Buffet records and coughing up hairballs in my good exploding potions. Now how am I going to spread the misery to the Evil Keebler Elf? Huh? Tell me!
Day Fifteen
Quidditch game rocked the many accidenty rock. Was amused to see Potter beaten senseless by rogue bludger. Was even more amused to see son of failed Fabio wannabe fall directly on ass. Like father like son. Recall time during fifth year when Lucius got caught in a spin when his hair wrapped around a pole. Ha! Best moment came when Lockhart took the bones out of Potter’s arm. Stupid fop. Even stupider is that he still hasn’t be fired for gross stupid foppiness. Yes, truly am completely surrounded by idiots.
Day Sixteen
Blasted Filch keeps pilfering vodka from my cabinet. Whenever I try to confront him about it, he blubbers like a first year Gryffindor. I bought it the first time, but now am wondering if perhaps he is using personal tragedy as an excuse to raid my stash. So long as the tacos are safe, he will live.
Day Seventeen
Lockhart came up with brilliant idea to start dueling club. Asked for assistance, but no one wants to stay in the same room as Supah Foppah. Volenteered. Everyone thought perhaps I was nuts. I just wanted a good excuse to knock the git on his ass. Always walking about with his swishing and his flicking. Will knock him down. Will knock him down good!
Day Seventeen
Mission accomplished. The Great Fop is down. I repeat, the Great Fop is down.
Day Eighteen
Alright, who’s the ass who took my tacos. Know it was Lockhart. Just know it. For revenge, have cut his pink robes. Have left them on cutting room floor.
Day Nineteen
Great. Just great. Now McGonagall is in charge all cause Darth Haldir decided to waltz in an have Dumbledore suspended and Hagrid taken to excessively creepy prison. Had to turn over my entire vodka supply for ‘administrative reasons’. Am royally enraged. Will spread the misery. Will spread it soon.
Day Twenty
Aw for... TACO NIGHT HAS BEEN CANCELED! That’s it. Will open up a can of whoop assing misery. As of now.
Day Twenty One
Apparently diary possessed by younger version of the Arch Fecking Enemy of the Goody Goodies responsible for the petrifying, taco stealing, and probably the even more excessive disappearances of even the hidden vodka. Put youngest Weasley in some sort of a trance. Didn't notice. Vacant expressions so typical of Weasleys.
Day Twenty Two
Am full of glee. Didn’t think it was possible, but Lockhart is now even emptier headed then before. He’s been sacked, of course. Am at a LOSS as to a MEMORY of anyone more GONE! Also, have been slipped moving photos of House Elf royally kicking the snot out of Blone Blunder Boy. Misery has been spread without a finger lifted on my part. Rock. In celebration, will hold tequila party for entire staff.
Day Twenty Three
McGonagall keeps winking at me.
Day Twenty Four
Oh dear God.
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