The Secret Journal of Albus Dumbledore
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orginally posted at Bri's LJ
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Day One
Made up a song today.
I was gonna defeat the Dark Lord until I got high
I was gonna get up and find my wand but then I got high
The wizarding world is still messed up and I know why...
I forget how the rest goes...
Day Two
Well I got good news and I got bad news. Bad news first. Jimmy and his old lady got whacked. Should have seen this one coming. You can only drive past the house of the Arch-Fecking Enemy of the Good Guys, mooning him with your Marauder buddies so many times before you get your ass kicked. The good news now. My under moisturized foe has been defeated by a toddler whose forehead is apparently coated in Teflon. Rock!
Day Two
Am sending toddler Potter to live with hostile relatives. Can’t remember how I came to this decision. I’m waiting for Hagrid and playing with this bitchin’ lighter I found when I found a cat. Knew it was McGonagall within a second. How many other felines out there meow and hiccup while walking into a wall. Then she has the nerve to criticize me. Kept asking if I was high. So I told a giant hairy dude to bring a baby on a flying motorcycle to a house full of hostile Muggles... Oh.
Day 3478
School starting soon. Must get Filch too clean out the bathrooms. Still kind of… off since Taco Night. Speaking of which, a bit concerned about security. Noticed all my vodka has gone missing. Will talk to Snape.
Day 3479
Snape such a whiny bitch. Before I even had a chance to ask him about my vodka, he went into a rant about how all his tequila has vanished. Guess that rules him out. Will talk to Hagrid. Not so much out of suspicion, but perhaps he has some sort of horribly scary creature with an adorable name to guard my liquor cabinet.
Day 3480
Not such a good day. Bathrooms still not okay. Letters apparently not getting to Harry Potter. Will send Hagrid to pick up the boy and a case of vodka. While I’m at it, will get him to get magic tic tac to fix bathrooms…and Quirrell’s breath. The curry and onion dip concoction scared even me.
Day 3481
Would you believe some git tried to lift the magic tic tac, I mean, Nicky’s Stone. Nicky making a huge fuss. Dude needs to seriously mellow out. Will have giant, frightening, mutant dog with adorable name guard it along with my vodka.
Day 3485
Snape over exfoliated and spread the misery. Kept playing pranks on Flitwick. Had it. Put him on Pooper Scooper duty for abnormal puppy. I’m glad Hagrid brought me a bitchin’ guard dog, but what was he smoking when he brought this thing home... Oh yeah.
Day 3486
Kids are back. Was pleased to see Potter kid in student body. I just know this will be a sign of good fortune and peace for the duration of the year. Got sorted into Gryffindor. Rock. Some chick got peeved when she got sent to Hufflepuff. Was laughed at by a darling girl. Heard her mutter something about swearing revenge. Very odd. Was glad to see Malfoy boy get sent to Slytherin. Was a bit concerned about his hair. It’s a little bit much in terms of gel for an 11 year old. Is that ever hair gel? There’ something about Draco. Would prefer not to know what it is. On happier note, Hagrid brought back some primo vodka.
Day 3487
People keep looking at me funny and muttering about my speech. I thought I had a few good words in there. Didn’t they hear it. Must have gotten cut off by Peeves when he kept floating around and randomly flicking gum at the hat after that one chick whispered in his ear. Peeves framed that poor, darling girl. Hat got irate. It got ugly. Can’t remember much else for some reason.
Day 3568
Halloween was odd. Think perhaps I need to have a talk with McGonagall. Was just a little bit, well, sloshed. Kept hitting on poor Quirrell until he couldn’t take it and ran. Then he ran back cause somehow a troll got in. Worry if he was after my…supply. Went with teachers to open up a can of whoopass. Turns out troll got ass whomped by 3 11 year olds. The forces of darkness just aren’t what they used to be.
Day 3601
Clearly security is just sucking the suck. Found Potter checking out this mirror I picked up during the sixties. For some reason, still shoes me in my Woodstock party gear. Explained to the boy mirror makes people see things and that he should never go by it again. Proceeded to hide vodka and Stone in mirror. One of my more brilliant ideas. That and casting Peeves in the school play as The Ghost Not Appearing In This Play. In other news, Taco Night coming up. Will not miss Taco Night.
Day 3602
Interesting game of Quidditch today. Potter’s broom went all wonky. Snape caught on fire. I found a quarter. Pretty shiny, quarter… What was I saying?
Day 3604
Cannot remember Taco Night. Am told I hogged all the salsa. I do remember wanting some more tequila, but Snape wouldn’t share cause of the salsa. Lousy jerkfacey... jerk. Even more concerned about McGonagall than before. Is freakishly giddy today. Really, truly, do not want to know why. What I would like to know is why Madame Hooch keeps insisting I go to the hospital wing. Something about a plate of bad tacos.
Day 3622
Am surrounded by a strange lot. Such a very strange lot. As it turns out, Quirrell’s head possessed by Lord Suckemort. How this got past me, I have no clue. I was like, totally, on top of things. Fortunately, three adorable 11 year olds were able to slip past the traps sent up to thwart really evil bad guys with an aversion to moisturizer. Where’s my vodka?
Day 6629
Visited Potter today. Lad seems well. Made sure he didn’t see the large stack of stalkeresque letters from some loon named Teresa. Boy’s been through enough. Told him we did all the stuff we should have done in the first place, scared the bejeezus out of him, then gave a corny speech.
Day 6630
Awarded Gryffindor the House Cup. One, because needed to make the three 11 year olds look really extraordinary to take the heat off our crappy security... and two, to piss off Snape. He looks so funny when he’s mad!
Day 6631
Another school year ended. Hopefully, next year will be more peaceful. Will hire a magnificent fop to replace Quirrell. To amuse self over summer, will TP the Malfoy residence. Perhaps Malfoy lad will get the hint.
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