The Secret Journal of Ron Weasley
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orginally posted at Bri's LJ
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Day One
School starting soon. Am not looking forward to it. Previously, would have months of reprieve from Fred and George’s random wedgie attacks. Will likely be subjected to them daily now. Suck.
Day Two
Felt like kicking Ginny. No reason.
Day Three.
Met Harry Potter today. Boy is one smooth mutha… He’s smooth. The boy is just rollin’ in wizard’s gold yet he rides in flannel. Closet ‘Home Improvement’ Al fan perhaps? Dude also had a wicked bad case of the mad munchies. Taking all that in, now have theory of where the dough came from. Got a little wacky myself. Had crazy notion of turning Scabbers yellow. Was distracted by overachieving, bushy haired, hottie book chick. I did not say that.
Day Four
Met Draco Malfoy. Took one look at his hair and couldn’t stop laughing. Was reminded heavily of a Ben Stiller movie Fred and George made me watch last week. Stupid git got all huffy. Tried to hog the Potter action… not that way! Potter took one look at the hair and refused to shake his hand. Wonder if he watched the same movie. Got sorted into Gryffindor. Rock. Will be hanging with High Roller Potter and Foxy Book Chick. I did not say that. I did not say that.
Day Five
McGonagall nearly gave me a damn heart attack today. Did she nearly have to give me a bloody heart attack with the jumping and the transforming and the snarking. Harry thinks she was cranky cause she was all hung over from Chili Night. I think she was still drunk. Woman reeked of vodka.
Day Six
Very amused today. Not only did Fred and George blow up a toilet, but Harry was still on it when it happened. Harry keeps pacing back and forth muttering something about misery and wholesale.
Day Seven
Book Chick also snooty chick. Stupid feather kept being all… feather like. Just sitting there like it was all that and the bag of chips and not floating! Tried to impress Book Chick with my wand thwacking skills… Okay that sounded wrong. Anyways, didn’t work. She got all huffy with the showing and the offing and made me look like a dope. Spread the misery later on. Stupid Harry had the nerve to make me feel guilty about it. Wonder if it’s cause he bumped his head on the ceiling when Fred and George blew up the toilet.
Day Eight
Halloween was cool. Me and Harry laid the smackdown cause we rock the rocking rock, that’s why. Right, this is how it went down. Quirrell ran into the Hall, reeking of vodka screaming about a troll and passed out in Dumbledore’s salsa. The old coot threw a fit and made everyone go back to the dorms so he could go lay the smackdown. Harry insisted we go to the girls bathroom. Wondered if perhaps he had a secret life he wanted to tell me about. Turns out it was to rescue Book Chick. Thwacked wand proper this time. Impressed Book Chick. Rock.
Day Nine
Odd moment today. A straw sticking out of the back of Quirrell’s turban tried to hit Harry with spitballs. In other news, Harry is convinced Snape is trying to steal a giant tic tac for believed deceased source of ultimate evil. I think he should use it for himself. Stinky Snape is. Reeks of tequila 24/7.
Day Ten
Hermoine apparently is a vengeful pyromaniac. Set Snape on fire. She says it was to save Harry. Right. Yes, Hermoine, I believe you. I suppose to be noble you also set Neville’s pants on fire. Okay that sounded so wrong. We’re sneaking into Taco Night later. I think I need the tequila.
Day Eleven
Oh dear god, are these people warped. Spent the better part of the evening under a table watching McGonagall throw herself at Quirrell after about five shots of tequila. For some reason, shot glasses and a bottle of vodka fell out of his turban. Wonder what that was all about. Don’t really want to know. Couldn’t stop giggling at Snape with a sombrero on sulking in the corner all cause Dumbledore ate the last of the salsa. Apparently Fred and George made it in, too. Kept slipping in hot peppers in the tacos. Thought Professor Sprout was going to spout steam from her ears. Saw Draco, too. Avoided plate he stole tacos from. I know where he’s been.
Day Twelve
Weird Christmas. Wonder if I should have eaten the Chocolate Frog Harry gave me. Hallucinated myself as being super cooler cause you know, I’m already super cool. Only this time, I was the one doling out the wedgies to the demon double mint twins. Rock.
Day Thirteen
Am going to hurt Fred and George. They’ve gone too far this time. Somehow, they found a way to shrink the underwear of EVERYONE in the school... all at one. They deny it entirely, but I know it was them! Who else would it be? While it is amusing to see Draco walk funny… wait, he always walks kind of funny. Have theory why, too. Involves some heavy polishing of his own Nimbus. Harry keeps playing dumb like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Lying git. Probably does it himself every night.
Day Fourteen
Wicked case of munchies. Went to Hagrid’s with Hermoine and Harry in search of frittatas and info about the Stone. Instead watched baby dragon hatch. Caught Draco peeping. Really don’t want to know which one of us he was peeping on. Feel dirty now.
Day Fifteen
Detention apparently involves dangerous missions into dark monster invested forest. I don’t remember that in the brochure. Found dead unicorn after Draco came running into Hermoine. Stupid prat screamed like a girl, too.
Day Sixteen
Going to embark on mission to recover Stone to keep Greasy Head from getting giant tic tac to That One Guy. Sounds like a really stupid plan, but okay!
Day Seventeen
Mission was a success. Was almost strangled to death by weeds. Clearly, Filch’s job does not include gardening. Nearly shot up with darts. Played massively cool game of chess. On the downside, nearly got smooshed to death. In other news, the Pansy Ass Who Got Beat By A Toddler apparently has been possessing back of Quirrell’s head. Would explain the fifth of vodka that fell out of the turban last week. Harry claims to have kicked Quirrell’s ass. Personally I think he just over exerted himself and the lack of moisturizing and massive vodka drinking caught up with him… not that I know anything about that. Probably would have one if McGonagall hadn’t stopped selling Avon. Not that I know anything about that either.
Day Nineteen
Harry cool. Hermoine fine. Draco sucks. We won the House Cup. We fricking rock the mother frickin’ rocking rocky rock. Oh yeah!
Day Twenty
Got Fred and George back. Filled their hair conditioner bottles with hair gel. Ha!
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