The Secret Journal of Professor Snape
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orginally posted at Bri's LJ
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Day One
Am bored. Summer sucks. No students to scare witless for my own amusement. Plus, the stupid sun with its stupid UV rays is wreaking havoc on my pale skin. How am I supposed to look sullen with a summer glow? Must exfoliate.
Day Two
Have decided to amuse self by shrinking Quirrell’s underwear. Let’s see the little twit be respectable in Defense Against the Dark Arts with high-pitched squeaky voice. Damn, I’m a sneaky bastard.
Day Three
Bad day. Over exfoliated. Am now beat red and sore. Then plan fell through. Could not shrink Quirrell’s underwear because for some weird reason, he already has shrunken underwear. Someone beat me to it. Or maybe he did it to himself. He is a strange duck. Could hear the back of his head moaning after Chili Night last week. Would really prefer not to know.
Day Four
Stupid student arriving tomorrow in stupid train coming from stupid platform in stupid London. Yes, am still sore. Plan to spread misery. Kept floating Flitwick’s hat just out of reach cause I felt like it. Damn, I’m such a clever bastard.
later
Was caught by Dumbledore and reprimanded. Have been ordered to do Pooper Scooper duty for Fluffy. Dammit. Will spread the misery. Oh yes, will spread the misery! Will spread it good!
Day Five
Smart ass son of smart-ass James Potter and foxy as all hell Lily Evans has enrolled in Hogwarts. Hated James Potter. It was always Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy… Stupid overly attractive git. Unfortunately, boy has ended up with father’s looks, attitude, and stupid glasses. Hate the glasses. Stupid Potter and stupid glasses. Thought he was just soooo smart with them. Will bully son of smart-ass solely for that reason. Damn, I’m a spiteful bastard!
Day Six
Does Malfoy’s parents know just how much hair gel he wears? Really! Looks like the Exxon Valdez impacted on the smarmy blonde’s head. I don’t understand it, I really don’t. Perhaps shouldn’t talk. Have left conditioner in hair all week, having mistaken it for a leave-on. Whoops.
Day Seven
Potter getting on nerves. Took notes before I scared him into it. Feel violated. Will be a jerk ass for no good reason for rest of year. Will commence mentally tormenting boy, red haired kid, and even more smart assed female companion after Teacher’s Taco Night. Will not miss Taco Night.
Day Eight
Taco Night sucked it. Dumbledore hogged all the salsa. Was mildly amused to see McGonagall get hammered and hit on Quirrell. Poor bastard didn’t know how to react. Kept dropping shots in the back of his turban for some reason. Would really prefer not to know. Very strange fellow.
Day Nine
Troll got into dungeon. Think perhaps Quirrell really DID shrink his own underwear. Could not come up with another explanation for squeaky voice. Went to try and throw down with evil in hopes of impressing Hooch. Failed miserablely. Will not discuss further.
Day Ten
Will watch Quidditch game later. Am amused at the concept of 11-year-old child participating in high-speed dangerous sport. That sort of thing is just never done. No one would buy into it. Not here. Not even in a galaxy far…Oh…
Day Eleven
Tried to save Potter kid, but someone set my cloak on fire. Here I thought it was inflammable…Oh… That’s what I get for being nice. Will stop being nice. Nice sucks. Nice is…not nice. Will not discuss this further. Do not want people to find out am not truly a bastard, just red herring type character.
Day Twelve
Decided to confront Quirrell about whether or not he shrinks his underwear…and why he keeps snatching my secret schnapps supply and slipping it down his silly turban. Was spooked when heard a smart assed cough gasp sound. Then, just as was about to give Quirrell a well-deserved wedgie, Filch went and interrupted. I never get to have any fun. I get nothing, I tell you. Nothing.
Day Thirteen
Little prissy Potter, smarmy red haired kid, and overachiever girlfriend acting like… I don’t know...but they were just getting on my nerves! Being all clever and...stuff. Decided to be more of red herring character and further cast suspicion on self for no real reason. In other news, the back of Quirrell's head sounds really hung over. I really don’t want to know why.
Day Fourteen
Apparently back of Quirrell's head was possessed by really evil bastard type. Am glad evil power temporarily defeated. Owe ol' Voldey ten bucks from a bet and am a bit short this week. That still doesn't explain the underwear thing. Strange fellow to the end. Well, perhaps now will get better job. I just hope Dumbledore doesn't take the Taco Night fiasco under consideration when I submit application.
Day Fifteen
Dammit. Will...not...discuss. Will spread the misery. Oh yeah!
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