The Secret Journal of Lord Voldemort
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orginally posted at Bri's LJ
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Day One
Feeling slightly itchy today. Must remind self to have a talk with Quirrell later about personal care and hygiene. Do not believe he is using a fabric softener for turban. Also needs to moisturize desperately. Cannot be evil arch enemy type with dry, brittle skin. Poor image.
Day Two
Attended Annual Badass Union Meeting. Was laughed at again by all the other badasses for being reduced to giant, parasitic head growth thing by toddler. Pointed out the god whose ass got whomped by a girl. Dude in swivelly chair pointed out girl was tall enough to see over dashboard of a car and was old enough to cross the street. Have had enough of this insolence. Will spread the misery wholesale style! First will need body, as doing evil is hard to do with everything backwards. Will also need vodka. No reason.
Day Three
Have discovered giant tic tac with magical properties. In addition to giving immaculate breath and immortality to user, could also give me a body and the ability to square dance. Will allow Quirrell to use Stone as well. With his addiction to onion dip and curry, his breath does little to attract the fine ass hunnies about town.
Day Four
Sort of ran into Harry Potter today. I’m busy trying to do Jell-O shots in the turban and he just about wets himself and backs up, making me drop the damn shot. Dude seriously needs to take a chill pill. Wonder if perhaps should have possessed the back of the head of someone who is less of a spaz. It’s not like an 11 year old is bright enough to unravel a dastardly plot or anything.
Day Five
11 year old scar face may not be on to me, but suspect ancient salsa obsessed coot may be. Will have to rethink plans now that Stone has been moved to school. Thought about covering for Snape in Fluffy Pooper Scooper duty, but changed mind. One: Worry that he might shrink our underwear cause he’s a vindictive bastard like that. Two: Gross. Very, very gross.
Day Six
New lot in and a strange one at that. Stupid Potter and his stupid scar and stupid glasses were sorted into stupid Gryffindor. Am glad for it. Belongs with that lot of snooty wannabes. Am a bit concerned about the younger Malfoy being sorted into Slytherin though. Just how much hair gel is that kid using? Looks like an oil tanker hit the boy’s head. Is it even hair gel? There’s something about that Draco and quite frankly, I really don’t want to know what it is. Note to self: Have talk with Lucius about hair concerns. Scratch that. Not sure how much help the elder Malfoy would be. The man has the girliest hair in the entire wizarding world.
Day Seven
Wood such a little ass. Had Quirrell get me a daiquiri from him and then he started acting like a little Scooby wannabe. Kept trying to peek into the turban. Hey, I’ve had worse then being reduced to a giant head wart. He sticks his hand in here and I’ll bite his fingers off!
Day Eight
Okay, who’s the wiseass that shrunk every pair of underwear we have?
Day Nine
Halloween sucked it. McGonagall freaked us both out by feeling up Quirrell throughout the entire feast. Finally had enough and went to the back room and raided Snape’s tequila supply. At some point, got the brilliant idea to let troll in as a distraction. I learned something that night. While I am perfectly capable of holding my drink, Quirrell most definitely cannot. Instead of following through with the plan, Idiot Boy didn’t fake passing out, he really did. By the time he came to, Snape had already headed us off and Scar Face, the weasely Weasley, and the smart-ass chiclet had fully whomped the troll’s ass. Note to self: Only make and carry out dastardly plans while sober.
Day Ten
Tried to take out Scar Face. Failed when Snape fell over and distracted Quirrell. Probably too much tequila again. In other news, Taco Night coming up. Not looking forward to it as I hate Mexican food.
Day Eleven
Have mixed feelings about Taco Night. On one hand, was highly amused after getting Flitwick royally smashed enough to keep dropping the piñata on Hagrid’s head; then to see a pissed off Hagrid dunk the little troll’s head repeatedly into the punch bowl. Was equally amused to see Snape sulking in a corner, but was annoyed to see he had confiscated all the tequila in revenge for Dumbassdore’s hogging of all the salsa. Could have sworn I was ‘hair gel’ boy sneaking tacos from under a table. Stayed away from that table. Such a strange lot here, really. Taco Night turned ugly when McGonagall started feeling up Quirrell again. Couldn’t take it anymore. Drank so much in the turban, got all bruised from the overabundance of shot glasses.
Day Twelve
Why does McGonagall keep winking at Quirrell? Feel the sudden need for a long shower.
Day Thirteen
Nearly got ass whomped by Snape. I was busy looking for a phone book to get some business cards made. Some may claim it’s a swivelly chair that makes one a true badass, but I’m telling you business cards are the way to go. I came up with a good one the other night. Lord Voldemort: Arch-Fucking-Enemy of the Goody Goodies. I’m trying to find a place to order some and Captain Conditioner Abuser shows up and starts manhandling Quirrell. Think perhaps the little whiner liked it more than he’s letting on. Was interrupted by coughing bookshelf.
Day Fourteen
Gave Hagrid giant egg for frittatas or to hatch dragon in exchange for information on how to take Fluffy out of the picture. Was hoping for a giant tranquilizer dart. Instead got some crap about using music to calm the mutant mutt. Really, this is the oddest lot here. Am looking so very forward to the mass ass whomping to come.
Day Fifteen
Used Yanni to get past the Fido Freak. Wonder if the horror of it killed the beast. Do I really care? No. Quirrell such a putz. Couldn’t even use the Mirror right. Kept seeing himself without the Stone as Siedfried’s replacement. Was forced to use Scar Face Boy to get Stone. Course Sergeant Screw-Up blew it. His failure to use moisturizer and drink enough water after an alcohol binge caught up with him at last. He over exerted himself and crumbled quicker than a boy band member’s solo career. Don’t need this crap. Need vodka. More importantly, need body so can drink the vodka. Have headache now. Need aspirin. Wait, need body to take the aspirin after drinking the... Aw hell.
Day Sixteen
Have decided to go to Albania to come up with new dastardly plot. Hope to find better lackeys there as well. Have decided to place ad in Badass Weekly: Arch-Fucking-Enemy of the Goody Goodies Seeks Well Equipped Underlings. Will revise title. Makes me out to be some sort of pervy fancier. Too many out there as it is!
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