The Journal of Senator Palpatine
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orginally posted at Bridget's UJ
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Day One
Am tired of stupid civil service job. Sick to death of Valorum bragging about his swivelly chair. Always parks in my space wherever I go! Think perhaps I will create a boring hub bub over trade routes in a confusing attempt to conquer galaxy. Then I will have a cool chair! Whee!
Day Two
Have contact annoying Trade Federation guys. Apparently they are not pleased with the difficulty they have getting their own Corsucant Creme franchise. I promised them a box of eclairs and 8x10 glossies signed by Colin Farrell if they go along with my off the wall plan. Have decided to get them to blockade Naboo. Even twits like them could repress a 14 year old girl. All they have to do is hide her Republic Banana credit card and she'll be at their mercy!
Day Three
Am soooo tired of Valorum. He keeps spinning around in that damn chair of his giggling like a little girl with his 'Whee's'! Am getting close to having had it.
Day Four
Now apprentice is getting on my nerves. Is it 'Piss off Palpatine' day or something? He keeps eating pixi stix and remarking about how much more of a badass he is than me when I am in ear shot. Then he wonders why he has such bad teeth. Idiot has been drinking Zima again. Will show him! Have taken away his TV priveledges. No more 'All My Jawas' for him! Now who's the badass?
Day Five
Valorum used my parking spot in front of Corsucant Creme again. To top it all off, that annoying little green booger Jedi man keep laughing and poking me in the ass with that cane of his that he doesn't even really need. Have had it. Will swear revenge. Instead of just taking over galaxy for a swivelly chair, will destroy all the Jedi except for a grizzled old man with beard crumbs and will have little booger man live on a donut free planet. We'll see who laughing then!
Day Six
Trade Federation such whiners. Keep being all yellow when Jedi came aboard. Told them they were nothing. Their lightsabers are not all that impressive. Believe me. Then found out Jedi on board was the guy who TPed my house after a Jedi kegger. Told Trade Federation to gas the Jedi and then invade the planet. Want to get swivelly chair powers and strength to make Jedi go bye bye already.
Day Seven
Would you believe one ship got past their blockade? Apparently Trade Federation guys need contact lenses. Breath mints while they're at it. Claimed it was out of their range. Cheap asses probably bought the discount radar at BespinBuy. Bought a Playstation there once. Apprentice broke it within a week.
Day Nine
Apprentice walking around like he's such hot poodoo cause he traced a call. Hellloooo, he just used caller ID! Twit. I am surrounded by frickin' twits, I swear to God. Told apprentice I'd get him a new Playstation if he brought back 14 year old escapee queen and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Warned him not to even try to take any of the Jedi sugar products on the way back. They are quite sensitive about that.
Day Twelve
Would you believe he blew it? I mean how hard is it to kick the crap out of an aging Jedi hippie? Hell, my dead grandmother could kick his ass. Now I have to pretend I like answering to a 14 year old who wears too much make up and listen to Captain 'Every Word That Comes Out of My Mouth is Negative' Panaka. Panaka. Panaka pancake. Pancake Panaka.
Where is my Jack Daniels?
Day Thirteen
Little blond boy very annoying. Wants to be a Jedi so he can have a lightsaber to impress queen with. Told him that wouldn't be possible until he got older so he should just shut up already. On the upside, finally had Valorum knocked off his damn proverbial high swivelly seat through some damn clever manipulations. Who's that bad ass Sith senator with all the smooth moves? It's me, it's me. Oh yeah!
Day Fourteen
Idiot queen went back to Naboo. Took Annoying Fish Boy, Pretty Boy, Aging Hippie, Blond Brat, and Captain Pancake with her. Says she is going to take back the planet. I think she just wants to get her credit card back. Sent apprentice to go to Naboo for no discernable reason. Will go drink Jack Daniels now. Told apprentice to bring me back a few snacks when he's done looking scary and mean to the locals.
Day Fifteen
Apprentice dead. Apparently tried to take pixi stix from Pretty Boy after killing Aging Hippie who TPed my house. No one takes the pixi stix! Well, at least now I don't have to buy a Playstation or pay for dental work for apprentice! Now to go break in the swivelly chair! Whee!
Day Sixteen
The chair doesn't come with the office! Dammit! All that work for nothing! That's it! Have had it again. Will build massive clone army from buff bounty hunter and create unrest in the galaxy until I can get one!
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