The Journal of Qui-Gon Jinn
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orginally posted at Bridget's UJ
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Day One
Am having a pretty good day. Have been invited to kegger at Mace Windu's place. Will not be taking apprentice. He got Frosted Flakes all over the kitchen again. I think he may have a problem with sugar addiction. But besides that, can't hold alcohol. Such a downer. A bit concerned about Mace as well. Fear party may be last ditch effort to attract women. He's been having a bit of a dry spell.
Day Two
Woke up upside down in Valorum's swivelly chair with shaving cream and toilet paper all over body. What the hell happened last night?
Day Three
Yoda being a huge bitch again. Thinks just cause he's on the council he can order me to do every little thing. "Go to this planet, Qui-Gon. Battle this. Fight that. Pick up my donuts." As if! He doesn't get to tell esteemed members of the Jedi Order to do his menial tasks. Will do it anyway as am quite hungry.
Day Four
Spent entire day hanging from the upmost spire by my undies. I only took one! Perhaps should have learned not to take donuts from old master, or at least better ways to filch them. Little green booger man ordered me to wash his car and pick up another box as punishment. Hmmph. Will not do it. Will make apprentice do it. May as well tell him to pick up a bottle of tonic. Jinn must have his tonic.
Day Five
Apprentice is an idiot. After he washed Yoda's car, he took it for a drive. Parked it illegally in front of Corusant Creme so it got towed, all because Valorum had once again parked in the good spot. To make it all worse, he got the donuts, but traded it for a broken Playstation, a bag of pixi stix, and a box of Frosted Flakes. Am getting close to having had it. Wonder if perhaps will need to send him to a clinic. On top of that, he called me an aging hippie while I was still in earshot. Well, in the mean time, have grounded the little bugger. No more Frosted Flakes and no more 'All My Jawas' for a week! That will show him!
Day Six
Have been sent on a mission to resolve some stupid-as-all-hell trade dispute between salamander people and the planet of the drag queens... I mean, the Trade Federation and Naboo. Think perhaps we have been sent on boring ass mission because due to apprentice driving everyone up the wall because of grounding.
Day Seven
Ride to Naboo very boring and very irratating. After about seven hours of Obi-Wan asking 'Are we there yet?' and 'Can I drive?', was about ready to give him another really bad haircut. I still can't believe he bought it when I screwed up the last one on purpose and he believed that all Jedi Padawans were supposed to have it look that way.
Day Eight.
Trade Federation tried to kill us today. Not sure why. I am too damn foxy to die. So, we broke into a landing ship and landed in a swamp. Very glad to have stolen the ship's supply of Jack Daniels. Not sure how I would be able to make it through this royally stupid mission without it.
Day Nine
Extremely grateful for Jack Daniels now. Met the most annoying guy today. Claimed I saved his life and crap so he started following me. Think perhaps the real reason is he was just after my Jack Daniels. No one takes my Jack Daniels! So I drank it all in a real big hurry. It's the only explaination I can come up with for taking him along with us and letting Obi-Wan drive. I now remember why he flunked out of driver's ed five times.
Day 10
Rescued queen and unimportant Nobodies of Naboo. Are 14 year old girls supposed to wear that much makeup? I mean really! One of her handmaidens looked about ready to kick her ass. Obi-Wan bet me a box of Frosted Flakes pissed off handmaiden was real queen. Told him he was on. Nearly was killed during escape by pissy Neimoidians, but was saved by a gumball machine and the poor choice of radar equipment of the Trade Federation. Am currently on way to Tatooine to pick up more Jack Daniels. Oh yeah, and a new engine thingie.
Day 11
Turns out gumball machine was actually an astromech droid after pissy handmainden caught me shoving quarters in it. Wonder if it is possible to get quarters back?
Day 12
Arrived at Tatooine. Hate Tatooine. Sand doing terrible things to my hair. Now hate sand. Took annoying fish face boy and pissy handmaiden with me because queen very irratated by them both, I think. Could not buy Jack Daniels or ship part as no one here accepts Aldaraan Express. It's certainly not everywhere I don't want to be! So have amuised self by daring fish fash to stick his tongue to a tasty frog thing in hopes local thug dug would kick his ass. Unfortunatly, little blond brat child saved him. As pissy handmaiden had apparently left wallet on ship, were forced to room with little blond brat and little blond brat's foxy mother.
Day 13
To raise money, have agreed to let little blond kid race piece of crap racer. Little guy seems awfully desperate to impress pissy handmaiden. Bet the ship, a bottle of gin, and the pissy handmaiden on it. Did not tell pissy handmaiden about that part. Did it because pissy handmaiden kept whining all day about how I have a gambling and drinking problem. I so do not. So if I love at least I'll sort of win.
Day 14
Almost tripped over gumball machine today. At the last second, added gumball machine to gamble. Have had it with gumball machine.
later
We won. That's a good thing, I think. Would have been great to get rid of pissy handmaiden and gumball machine. Little blond kid kept asking me if I thought winning the race impressed Padme. Repeatedly. Most annoying.
Day 15
Was attacked by reject from the Kiss Army. Little bastard was probably trying to kidnap queen and my Jack Daniels. Wish he had taken pissy handmaiden or the gumball machine, but who the hell would want them? Got ass kicked good. Must lay off the moon pies and tequila.
Day 16
Arrived on Corusant. finally got rid of skank queen and pissy handmaiden. It was strange when Valorum kept raising his eyebrows at me and asked me why I never called. Most disturbed. Just what the hell happened at that kegger? Really now! Muttered something about needing to see the Council about Kiss Army Reject and to get blond boy to Council to see if they'll train him. Knew kid was good for something.
Day 17
Mace such a little whiner. The boy is too the Chosen One! He can tell the difference between Pepsi One and regular Pepsi so it must be true! Anyway, the refused to train him. Told them I was going to do it anyways. Tired of being ordered around by little green booger man and guy who can't get laid. to get back at me, then sent me to protect over dressed queen on a suicide mission. Then Obi-Wan started whining about Anakin being the favorite now. Gave him a bag of pixi sticks to shut him up. Most annoying day ever. Where's my Jack Daniels?
Day 18
Back on Naboo. Pissy handmaiden really is queen. Won bet. Whoo hoo!
Day 19
Pissy queen wants to attack Trade Federation. Claims it is a move to free planet from oppressive outside influence when I know she really just wants her Republic Banana card back. After handmaiden took clothes, she is in bad need of a wardrobe makeover.
Day 20
Big fighting today. Beat the crud out of the Lego robots. Then stupid Kiss Army Reject went and swiped Obi-Wan's pixi sticks, so we just had to go have some over-dramatized battle. Was killed. Have had it. Will swear revenge. Made dying wish for apprentice to train overly cute blond kid. I forsee he will be a big pain in the ass for him for years to come.
Day 102
Okay, am dead, but will someone please for the love of God explain to former apprentice beards need to be cleaned out after a bowl of cereal?
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